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Is it worse to be ignorant or apathetic? I don't know and I don't care.

THE NOT-SO LATEST September 18, 1999
AND NOW FOR THE NEWS...

Statistics Prove Everyone Else is an Idiot
CAMBRIDGE, MA - At a press conference, a group of mathematicians from Cambridge University's School of Higher Mathematics announced the discovery of an elaborate proof that confirms what many have long suspected: everyone else is an idiot.

"Frankly, we're just as shocked as you," said Professor Herbert Strom, head of the team responsible for the discovery. "A discovery like this goes against all common sense, but paradoxically this very finding disproves the existence of 'common sense' anyway."


Well, 50 million Sandler fans can be wrong... horribly wrong.

The proof itself -- nicknamed the "I'm Okay, You're an Idiot" theory by the Cambridge group -- involves a complicated process of combining a wide variety of mathematical laws and theorems with certain social factors, including (but not limited to) average SAT scores through the years, driving habits and patterns, and the box office grosses of Adam Sandler movies. "It was actually just a matter of combining the right elements," said Strom. "Once we had everything in place, the proof just appeared."

When asked about the social implications of proving that each person smarter than everyone else, Strom simply stated, "That's a stupid question. We're scientists, not philosophers. We are not here to judge consequences, but to determine reality. Deal with it, bonehead." Strom then made several rude gestures with his hand and his buttocks and blew a raspberry.

Public reaction was deceptively astute for a bunch of morons. "I had a sneaking suspicion," said Les V. Ryan, a simpleton who resides in Minneapolis, Minnesota. "Huh huh. Cool."

The group's findings will be published in next month's issue of "Field & Stream."

Pope Gives a 'Special Wassup to tha Ladeez'
VATICAN CITY - Pope John Paul II shocked attendees of his Sunday mass by appearing on the balcony of the Vatican wearing baggy jeans, a Tommy Hilfiger shirt and a sideways Yankees baseball cap. No explanation was offered for the pontiff's updated look, nor for the "unconventional" sermon, in which John Paul, 79, gave a "special wassup to tha ladeez." Although interpretations of the sermon vary, many church insiders speculate that this is the pope's peculiar way of offering an olive branch to separatists within the Catholic church who wish to see women be allowed to be priests. When asked for comment, Cardinal "Ol' Dirty" Biegels said, "Yo yo yo, his holiness is just keepin' it real, yo. Peace out." Biegels then struck his chest and extended his hand in a peace sign.

Mall Security Lobby Begs Congress to Crackdown on Food Court Loitering
WASHINGTON, D.C. - Lobbyists for the mall security industry pleaded with a special joint session of Congress to address "the growing epidemic of food court loitering in our nations malls." A spokesperson for the Federated Establishment of Mall Security (FEMS) asked Congress to "crackdown on this plague before it erupts into complete chaos in our nations malls. We must protect Arby's!" The FEMS also asked for creations of laws that would allow mall security officers free-reign to use physical force as they see fit, or, as the FEMS spokesperson put it, "whack the little ****ers," as well as a $15 million grant to get better fitting pants.

'Fifth Dentist' Prime Suspect in Murder of Four Fellow Dentists
ATLANTA - A dentist known for his dissenting opinions on several controversial issues within the American Dental Association is being held as the prime suspect in the murder of four fellow dentists.

James "The Fifth Dentist" MacElroy, 44, has been charged with four counts of first degree murder, one count of failure to yield and multiple counts of improper use of a water pick. The four murdered dentists were found in MacElroy's apartment, all of their bodily fluids replaced with fluoride and mouths stuffed to bursting with sugar-free gum. Det. Brice Tungsten of the Atlanta PD said, "A 'dentifesto' found in the suspect's apartment suggest that he had become agitated with the constant prodding of the other four dentists to come around to their way of thinking concerning Crest, and he finally snapped."

One out of five dentists is a pent-up chunk of rage.

MacElroy, for his part, has released a statement in his defense, in which he insists that he was framed by the Double Mint twins.

John Grisham, Tom Clancy Announce Merger
NEW YORK CITY - In what many are calling the biggest event in the publishing industry since Johann Gutenberg invented movable type, authors Tom Clancy and John Grisham have announced that they will merge into a single human being, to be called Jom Clishy. "The time was right," Grisham said at a press conference. "Although we could have continued to crank out banal, cookie-cutter books until long after we were both senile, we saw this as an ideal opportunity to increase both of our reader-bases." The first book on Clishy's agenda following the merger is "The Red Bailiff," a "taut techno-legal thriller about a young lawyer who goes undercover to sue Iraq." Sales are expected to reach into the trillions.

Reagan Signs Balanced Budget Act, Cat
SIMI VALLEY, CA - Former President Reagan signed the historic balanced budget act yesterday, as well as the family cat, Mr. Hammybuns, and several other household objects before Secret Service agents were able to obtain the pen and wrestle it to ground. After signing the historic piece of legislation, Reagan remarked, "This is a historic day for cream puffs, and do not forget my mittens. Flurglegump!" How Reagan got his hands on the legislation is currently unknown. More perplexing is the mystery of how the former president came into possession of the pen, as he is forbidden from using any object sharper than the television remote control, which has been missing since 1992. Mr. Hammybuns received a bath and was released from custody.

Scientists Discover Stuff
SALT PLAINS, NM - Scientists at National Labs will publish a report on Tuesday in National Science Weekly revealing that they have discovered "stuff." Refusing to elaborate on exactly what "stuff" they have discovered, the scientists, who refused to be named, also refused to comment. The announcement sent Wall Street into a frenzy of buying stuff-related stocks.

Kool-Aid Man Charged with Multiple Counts of Breaking and Entering
BUFFALO, NY - The famed soft drink mascot known as Kool-Aid Man has been arrested and charged with the destruction of millions of dollars in damage to land and property in the culmination of a two-decade long manhunt by FBI agents. "The suspect would exhibit superhuman strength, breaking down walls made of brick and concrete with little concern for human life," said Special Agent Ed Masterson.

The suspect, shown here (right), with an unknown accomplice.

"His only interest was getting to the sugary drink on the other side." Capturing the mascot proved deceptively easy. "After years of failure," said Masterson, "we hit upon the idea of having undercover agents pose as kids brewing MangoBerry Mountain Punch. After that, it was only a matter of time." Technicians are currently tackling the problem of designing a cell that is capable of holding the 400 gallon behemoth. "The first jail we put him in, he just smashed right through and yelled, 'Oh yeah!'"

Airline Loses Man's Emotional Baggage
ST. LOUIS, MO - In an apparent computer mixup, TWA has managed to misplace a significant portion of one passenger's emotional baggage. "They just lost it. Poof!" said Daniel Clannen, of Detroit, Michigan. "I mean, I had everything in there: neuroses, delusions, unhealthy attachments, and now it's gone." TWA is making extensive attempts to recover the baggage, but airline officials fear the worst. "At this point," said spokesperson Della DeMartini, "someone else may have mistakenly adopted this man's baggage, and it may be too late to recover it. We may not be able to recover his exact baggage, but we can replace it with new, different baggage... psychosis, disorders, you name it." Clannen's wife, Ruth, however, would prefer that the airline not bother. "I've been trying to get rid of that stuff for years," she said.

East Timoreans Unable to Find East Timor on Map, Map
DILI, EAST TIMOR - A study released today of East Timor youth finds that 100 percent of East Timor students are unable to indicate the location of East Timor on a map of the world. The same study also finds that 100 out of every 100 East Timor students are also unable to locate a map of the world in East Timor. The East Timor Secretary of Education could not be reached for comment, nor could it be verified that the country had a Secretary of Education. When asked for comment, Wati Hutor, a resident of the country, said, "I think it is atrocious that our youth cannot find -- what you say? -- find Baltimore on a map. That is shameful."

 

And now for this week's Dow:
10,813.63

And this week's Lotto "Pick Five":
10, 8, 13, 6 and 3

 

WE ASKED, YOU ANSWERED
In a random poll of 500 people who have slept with Wilt Chamberlain, we asked: What is your favorite thing to see monkeys do?

30% Feces throwing
12% Angry homosexual intercourse
3% Picking nits
13% Intercourse
14% Wear diapers
10% Masturbation
18% Capturing and interrogating Charlton Heston

"Nope, not a chance. Perverts."

 

 

Patrick Keller is brought to you by the letter "M." This article is © 1999 Patrick Keller, Gern Blansten Productions. You may redistribute this piece, provided the text is unaltered and it contains this notice. As always, if you know someone sick and twisted who might like this stuff, let me know. Blah blah blah e-mail me at blansten@iname.com blah blah blah

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