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Is it worse to be ignorant or apathetic? I don't know and I don't care.

THE NOT-SO LATEST May 7, 1999
AND NOW FOR THE NEWS...

Local Man Unwilling to Believe It's Not Butter
FLATBUSH, UTAH - Ed Williams refused to surrender his belief that the margarine spread he was using was not butter, but rather a butter-like substance, even after being forcibly removed from his home and put into protective custody at the Flatbush Convalescent Home. His wife, Alice Williams, 40, became alarmed when she discovered her husband eating a midnight snack of microwaved blueberry muffins and shouting obscenities. Neighbors said that Williams could be heard "cursing God, insisting that no loving deity could create such a tasty, non-butter spread."

Thought of Bob Dole With An Erection Leaves Thousands Impotent

Be afraid, be very afraid...

WASHINGTON, D.C. - Recent commercials for the drug Viagra starring Bob Dole have been giving thousands of Americans serious difficulty with their sex lives. In the ads, Dole openly discusses his intimate struggles with impotence. The spots began airing last month, and sex therapists nationwide have reported massive increases in new clients. "They seem unable to shake the mental image of Dole's old, saggy body sporting a throbbing erection," said Atlanta, Georgia, sex therapist Molly Malone.
Some cities have even seen an increase in suicide rates following airings of the ad, and lawmakers are calling for Dole to stop having sex altogether. Although it is too early to tell, experts are anticipating a catastrophic decline in birthrates if the ads are not pulled from the airwaves immediately.

Video Named as Suspect in Radio Star Murder
LOS ANGELES - Police have implicated the Spice Girls' 1998 video "Wannabe" in the brutal death of Artie Johnson, half of the famed vaudeville comedy duo Artie and Smartie and stars of "The Artie and Smartie Hour." Johnson was found dead in his home last year, his body contorted into near-impossible positions with the TV tuned to MTV's "The Grind." "It looked like he had been doing the Macarena with Satan," said eyewitness Edna Franklin. For months, LAPD detectives searched fruitlessly for leads, finally receiving an anonymous tip. "I was listening to the radio," said Det. Mitch Bundy, "and it just hit me." No arrests have been made, but sources indicate that Buggles may be planning a reunion tour to capitalize on the publicity.

Phillip Morris Acquires Liechtenstein, Renames it 'Marlboro Country'
RICHMOND, VA - Tired of endless litigation and legal restrictions, Phillip Morris, Inc., has negotiated the purchase of the European nation of Liechtenstein and renamed it Marlboro Country. "It seemed like the best move," said PM CEO and soon-to-be dictator of Marlboro Country Bernie Seitz. "We're no longer a privately owned company subject to U.S. Laws, but rather a nation to be negotiated with." Liechtenstein residents seem happy about the change, citing the announced aid programs that Phillip Morris plans on instigating, including "Smokes for Kids" and "MarlBucks," which can be used to buy t-shirts, jackets and food.

Suburban Woman in SUV Accidentally Goes Off-Road

REDWOOD, COLORADO - Denise Saunders, a 32-year-old mother of three, accidentally went off the road and into the adjacent brush with her 1997 Ford Expedition. This marks the first time a Sport Utility Vehicle has not been driven on pavement since 1985, when a bird flew into Massachusetts resident Al Morgan's windshield, causing him to lose control and drive onto the shoulder. "I don't know what happened," said Saunders.

The car that thinks it's a house.

"One minute I was driving on the highway. I looked down to grab my Starbuck's mocha latte, and suddenly I was... nowhere!" Saunders was visibly shaken by the incident, officers who arrived on the scene reported, and was taken to nearby Denver General to be sedated.

Purchase of Rare Beanie Baby Fills Gaping Hole in Childless Woman's Life
DENISON, VERMONT - Margaret Warshawski was able to fill the sizable void in her life with the purchase of a rare variant Beanie Baby, Squeaky the field mouse, which was immediately placed in a protective case and stored in a climate-controlled cabinet. Warshawski, who is married but has no children, proudly showed Squeaky to her husband Bob, but did not allow him to touch it. "I'm just so happy. Now my life is no longer empty!" Warshawski said following the purchase, which is rumored have cost upwards of $800. Previous attempts to fill Warshawski's void have included puppies, Cabbage Patch Kids and extramarital affairs.

Millennium to Arrive One Year Early
GREENWICH, ENGLAND - Scientists made the shocking announcement yesterday that the millennium is slated to arrive one year early, in the year 2000. "By all indications, the millennium was on-schedule as little as ten years ago," said Greenwich University statistician Martin Blair. Blair said that his colleagues are unable to pinpoint exactly where, but at some point, the millennium began arriving earlier than the originally planned date of January 1, 2001. "We can't explain it, but who are we to argue?"

 

In the Arts:

Banquet Held to Honor the 20th Anniversary of the Last Time The Family Circus was Funny

Jokes handwritten in Korean sweatshops

DETROIT - The Association of American Newspaper Editors held their annual banquet, and honored comics page mainstay The Family Circus, Bil Keane's 20 years of completely humorless observations about family life. "When someone does something for this long," AANE President Gerard Flanagan said in his speech, "I guess we somebody's bound to give them an award. I'm moderately proud that someone was AANE."
Over 200 jaded, underpaid newspaper editors were in attendance. Keane himself was present at the gala, but appeared to be either asleep or dead.

Baby Hits Britney Spears
JACKSONVILLE, KENTUCKY - Singer Britney Spears was assaulted during a promotional appearance at a mall, apparently by a two-year-old infant. Eyewitnesses report that the infant stumbled up on stage while Spears was lip-synching a performance of her tender love ballad "Email My Heart." The singer went to greet the infant, who went on to savagely beat the singer with its tiny baby fists. Mall security guards tackled the baby and handcuffed it. "If you ask me," said eyewitness Damon Chambers, "he should have hit her one more time."

Foreigner is Back and Better Than Ever, Claims VH1 Special
CLEVELAND, OHIO - Cable network VH1 aired a "very special" episode of their series, "Behind the Music," in which reunited rock group Foreigner's front man Lou Gramm announces that his band is "back and better than ever!" The claim sent shockwaves through the music world. "No, that's just not possible!" exclaimed Warner Bros. Music CEO Ed Rothwein. "How could they be better than ever? The mind simply cannot conceive of such a thing. There is no God!" Foreigner is planning a ten city tour of Minnesota to promote their new greatest hits album.

 

Sports:

Michael Jackson Buys Mark McGwire's Balls

NEVERLAND, CALIFORNIA - Publicists for singer Michael Jackson announced today that he had made a deal to acquire the testicles of St. Louis Cardinal first baseman Mark McGwire. It is unknown whether Jackson will obtain the balls before or after McGwire's death. While the financial details were not made public, experts believe that the deal cost Jackson in excess of $40 million.

"Just sign the check..."

However, this is not the largest sum ever paid for a pair of balls. That honor goes to reputed mobster John Gotti, who paid $45 million to have Jimmy "The Neck" Sentoni's reproductive organs delivered to him on a plate in the late 80s.

 

 

GernData: Twisted Facts for a Twisted World

How Fans are Passing Time While Waiting in Line for New Star Wars Movie


"Worship me, nerds!"

12% Imagining what Queen Amidala would name their children when they get married
7% Debating relative merits of Sailor Moon versus Akira
21% Mentally programming HTML for new Lara Croft web page
6% Writing letters to Natalie Portman to see if she has a date for the prom
2% Ponder the significance of Gonk in your life
4% Designing a medal for Chewy
34% Masturbation
7% Calling friend at home to have him check on your eBay bids for rare variant 12-inch Darth Maul figurine with pinkish horns
5% Praying for dates
1% Nitpicking poll statistics

 

Patrick Keller never got a medal either. This article is © 1999 Patrick Keller, Gern Blansten Productions. You may redistribute this piece, provided the text is unaltered and it contains this notice. As always, if you know someone sick and twisted who might like this stuff, let me know. Blah blah blah e-mail me at blansten@iname.com blah blah blah

Also featured in the not-so latest:

All contents of this web site -- even the periods -- are TM & © Patrick Keller, Gern Blansten Productions, so don't try to steal 'em. Any unlawful distribution, copying or non-educational use is highly frowned upon, and will be prosecuted when I get enough money to hire a lawyer. Violators will be spanked. Shoplifters will be persecuted. Prosecutors will be violated.