THE LATEST NOT QUITE LATEST THE ARCHIVE GERN JOURNALS FAQ U THE MAILBAG MIRTH IN YOUR MAILBOX! Enter your e-mail for weekly Gern! RANDOM HUMOR THE ASSORTED LOONIES OTHER WRITINGS GERN INC. CONTESTS PANTS! GERN'S JOURNEYS LINKIE DINKIES E-MAIL ME!                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                              Is it worse to be ignorant or apathetic? I don't know and I don't care.

THE NOT-SO LATEST June 18, 1999 I'D LIKE TO THANK THE ACADEMY Graduating from college is a lot like having a cast. You get asked the same questions over and over again. You find yourself at the mercy of others. And you wind up having a lot of itches that you can't scratch. In the graduate's case, the itches are figurative. And, in my my particular circumstance, the itch is a hell of a lot more annoying, mostly because I don't have any good answers. Unlike a lot of my friends and classmates, who seemed to come out of the womb with a career, a particular company and even a parking spot already picked out, I don't have the foggiest idea what it is I want to do, or even where I want to do this thing that I don't know what it is. So someone pops the question, I inevitably wind up sounding like Hugh Grant trying to explain that hooker thing to the LAPD. There's a whole lot of stuttering and absolutely nothing in the way of a good answer. The conversation goes something like this: "Mistakes were made." Disinterested But Well-Meaning Relative: So, what is it that you want to do, young man? What I'm Thinking: I'd like to lounge on the beach getting rubdowns from models with no last name. What I Say: I, uh... Um... I don't have the slightest idea. Still Disinterested Relative: Well, what's your degree in? What I'm Thinking: I'm now fully certified to run the deep fat fryer at Long John Silvers. What I Say: Journalism. I think. Relative Now Looking For An Easy Out From the Conversation: Well, don't you at least have goals? Me: What?   That one word never fails to catch me off-guard: Goals. "I'm ready for my close-up, Mr. Blansten." Goals? At the risk of sounding stupid, I honestly don't have any. Okay, so there was one, but it involves Heather Graham and a Catholic schoolgirl uniform, but that won't hardly pay the rent. Unless I can get it on video. But recently I was on the phone with my close personal friend, Oscar-winning screenwriter Barry Morrow (yeah, I know I'm name-dropping, but it's all I've got these days...), and it hit me: Heather would look much nicer in a French Maid costume. But my chances of getting Heather into that maid costume are slim. Unless... Well, let's just say, my chances would be a lot better if I, like Barry, had a little gold swordsman gathering dust on my mantle. And an Oscar wouldn't hurt either. Oscar winners get all the babes. Those guys who won for Best Sound Effects Editing last year practically had to fight them off with a stick. (And you think I'm kidding.) (Okay, I am.) With that problem solved, I was faced with another, more daunting problem: winning the Oscar. First, I needed a screenplay. This was surprisingly easy. Don't believe all those guys who say that they slaved for years, sweating blood on every page, for their screenplay. They're liars who probably want something from you. I'm quite proud of the result, so I'll share it with you: Monkeys In Your Trousers by Gern Blansten EXT. SOMEPLACE - DAY (OR, POSSIBLY, NIGHT) A man and a woman see each other and wave hello. Woman: I see you have monkeys in your trousers. Man: Yes. I do.   END. I know it's a little short, but we can fix that in the editing. Still, it's missing something, that certain jenny say qua that all Oscar winning scripts have. Wait just a minute -- that massacred French gives me an idea. Academy voters went nuts for that incorrigible Italian guy this year. He got TWO Oscars! And since his movie was in Non-English, he got to be in extra categories. So that's settled. I'll make my movie in Italian. Poorly translated Italian, because no one pays attention anyway and it will be cheaper that way. Instead of hiring a real Italian, I can hire a scab. Good. But I'm still missing something. What else could up my Oscar quotient? Well, while I'm at it, I may as well actually put that Italian guy in the movie. Add Gwyneth Paltrow (as played by Heather Graham, of course). "What do you mean I don't get the part?" So let's look at what we have so far: Scimmie in vostri pantaloni [Monkeys In Your Trousers] da [by] Gern Blansten [Gern Blansten]   EXT. SOMEPLACE - DAY (OR, POSSIBLY, NIGHT) A man and a woman see each other and wave hello. Gwyneth Paltrow: Li vedo avere scimmie in vostri pantaloni. [I see you have monkeys in your trousers.] Incorrigible Italian Guy: Si, quello è allineare! [Yes, I do!]   L' Estremità. [The End.] It's still missing something. I know: Nazis! Academy voters love movies with Nazis in them, though I have no idea why. If I were to hazard a guess, I'd say guilt, but I won't.   Italian Guy: Sguardo fuori! Nazis! [Look out! Nazis!] The French: Cediamo! [We surrender!] Evil Nazi commander (as played by one of those Fiennes guys): Non parlo Italiano. [I do not speak Italian.] I like this, but it's missing a certain dramatic flair. So I'll add the following: Evil Nazi guy: Voi, con le scimmie in vostri pantaloni! Sto andando spararlo. [You, with the monkeys in your pants! I am going to shoot you.] Gun: Scoppio! [Bang!] Italian Guy With Bad Hair: Maledizione. [Dang.] "Life is... not so beautiful." Wacky Italian Guy falls to the ground. Gwyneth/Heather runs to him. Heatheryth: Sguardo! Sto ottenendo il mio costume francese della domestica tutto il bagnato con le mie rotture. [Look! I am getting my French Maid costume all wet with my tears.] Nazi: Rido! [Ha!] Gwynether: Pagherete questo. Ma in primo luogo, devo prendere un acquazzone. [You will pay for this. But first, I must take a shower.] Heather takes a shower. The French: No! Non l' acquazzone! Cediamo! [No! Not the shower! We surrender!] Nazi: Già avete fatto quello! [I would like to point out that you already did that.] The French: Potete mai fare attenzione troppo. [You can never be too careful.] Hmmm... So far, this is Oscar bait, but it needs an ending and I'm running out of material. Well, when in doubt, steal. I can always just say it was a homage. Nazi underling: Il T-rex è allentato! [The T-rex is loose!] The French: Cediamo! [We surrender!] The T-rex eats the French and the Nazis. Gwen/Heather escapes on a boat. A BIG boat. One might even call it a titanic boat. On the boat, Heather, now wearing a schoolgirl uniform and pigtails, weeps. A police detective comes over and comforts her. Walsh: Dimenticarlo, Jake. È Chinatown. [Forget it, Jake. It's Chinatown.] GwenHeatheryth: Ho bisogno d'un acquazzone. [I need a shower.]   L' Estremità. [Finis.] That's what I call a happy ending. Now, if you'll excuse me, I need a shower. A cold one.   Patrick Keller is just begging for a restraining order. This article is ©1999 Patrick Keller, Gern Blansten Productions. You may redistribute this piece, provided the text is unaltered and it contains this notice. As always, if you know someone sick and twisted who might like this stuff, let me know. Blah blah blah e-mail me at blansten@iname.com blah blah blah Miss something? Try the Not-so Latest. Also featured in the not-so latest: February 22, 2000: You've Come A Long Way, Dude February 8, 2000: Eddie: Part Two December 31: Y2K or Not Y2K? December 14: Eddie: Part One December 7: Adventures in Temp Land November 14: Sick & Tired November 2: Who Was That Masked Man? October 17: Get a Job October 6: Tubin' September 18: And Now For The News III September 9: Fightin', Pukin' and Perkins August 18: I Went To New York and All I Got Was This Lousy Tattoo July 28: And Now For The News II July 18: How Gern Got His Groove Back June 18: I'd Like To Thank the Academy... May 21: You Can Go Home Again (I Hope) May 14: The Phantom Review May 7: And Now For The News April 29: Revenge of Dr. Bigfinger April 12: Worldwide comedy shortage feared April 5: Gern faces really early retirement All contents of this web site -- even the periods -- are TM & © Patrick Keller, Gern Blansten Productions, so don't try to steal 'em. Any unlawful distribution, copying or non-educational use is highly frowned upon, and will be prosecuted when I get enough money to hire a lawyer. Violators will be spanked. Shoplifters will be persecuted. Prosecutors will be violated.