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Is it worse to be ignorant or apathetic? I don't know and I don't care.

THE NOT-SO LATEST July 28, 1999
AND NOW FOR THE NEWS...

'Like' and 'Went' To Replace 'Said'
SAN DIEGO, CA - Experts at the California Linguistic Institute of Technology, perhaps trying to draw attention to something other than the record-breaking number of prank phone calls they receive each year, announced today that by the year 2010, the words "like" and "went" will completely replace the verb said in English usage. "It was just a matter of time," went linguist Henry Jackson, who then was like, "as the use of 'like' and 'went' increased, the usage of 'said' began to fall into disuse. Unless some sort of awareness program is instituted immediately, 'said' will disappear completely." To wit, the Institute unveiled several posters as part of their "Save Said" campaign, which feature the slogan, "Said: What a Beautiful Choice." If the campaign is a success, Jackson said the Institute has a plan to combat the replacement of "asked" with "axed."

Senate Votes to Spend Budget Surplus on 'Bitchin' Kegger'
WASHINGTON, D.C. - The U.S. Senate has passed a proposal to spend more than half of the speculated $1 trillion budget surplus on what Sen. Mike Crapo (R-ID) calls a "really bitchin' kegger."

Rep. Roscoe G. Bartlett (R-MD)
No, seriously.

"It was really Judd's idea," Crapo told reporters, many of whom were disturbed to discover that not only is there a senator with the last name Crapo, but there is also a senator with the first name Judd (Judd Gregg, R NH). "He told me, 'Sheeeet, Crappy -- he calls me 'Crappy' -- people don't want a tax cut, they want a PARTY, man!'" The detailed plan in the bill would create a 7-day holiday to be called "Pabst Across America," would supply cities across the country with kegs and hire "the bitchinest bands." At a press conference, President Clinton said, "Shit yeah, I'm gonna sign that sumnabitch."
However, party leaders have already run into firm opposition from Rep. Roscoe G. Bartlett (R-MD), who is insisting he will add a rider to the bill allowing for whiskey and dancing girls.

New McDonalds Fries To Feature Actual Potatoes
DES PLAINES, IL - In a shocking turnaround of longstanding policy, the McDonald's Corporation has announced that, starting this month, their fries will feature actual potatoes, instead of the "mystery tubers" that have been used for the last thirty years. "The customer spoke, and we listened," a McDonald's press release said. And that customer is Ralph Daley. "Um, aren't potatoes cheaper?" Daley said on a comment card sent to the restaurant's corporate headquarters. As it turns out, they are, and a McDonald's policy was born. The fries decision mirrors McDonald's recent decisions to stop using synthetic beef, artificial milk and employees with prosthetic limbs.

Consumer Product Safety Commission to Investigate 'Mustache Rides'
WASHINGTON, D.C. - In response to customer outcry, the Consumer Product Safety Commission, the federal organization responsible for the safety of amusement rides, has vowed to look into the practice of "mustache rides." For years, a number of independent contractors have advertised the availability of "mustache rides" -- presumably entailing the customer sitting on the mustache of the provider and "riding" -- but the industry has been so small up to this point as to escape regulation. As of Thursday, however, that period has ended. "There are a number of concerns, not the least of which is safety," said CPSC spokesperson Fran Jenkins. "Additionally, there have been complaints about sexism, tax evasion and just plain creepiness. I mean, have you seen these guys?" The response from the mustache ride industry was a swift and unanimous condemnation of "cityfolk."

Arby's Introduces New 'Eyes Wide Shut' Kiddie's Meal

CHICAGO, IL - After losing bids on nearly every sizable summer movie franchise, fast food chain Arby's announced this week that its kid's meals would now feature a toy from the hit Stanley Kubrick film "Eyes Wide Shut." Kids will have their choice of several toys, including a likeness of the Tom Cruise character Dr. Bill, complete with a befuddled look on his face and a seemingly endless supply of action figure cash. The Nicole Kidman doll has special "Get Naked" action, with spring-loaded dress removal ability. Also available is an action figure of Kubrick himself, who sits behind the camera repeating "Again" endlessly, as well as a special Orgy Playset. "We were really scraping the bottom of the barrel for movie tie-ins," said an Arby's spokesperson.


Arby's done a bad, bad thing...
"It was either this or the Wild Wild West franchise, and we opted to let Burger King have that one. I mean, a comedy about chasing a mass murderer? What the hell is that about?"

 

And Now For This Week's Sports Statistics...

.343
92 & 77
Judy Blue Eyes in the fourth
7 to 10
4:53
and Three.

 

THE ARTS

Fox to Debut 'Animals Taking a Crap'

"Crap? We got yer crap here!"

NEW YORK CITY - Attempting to capitalize on the reality show craze started by "Cops," Fox has announced a new series to feature extended clips of animals both in captivity and the wild, doing what they do naturally. "We're choosing to focus on one of two areas that has previously been shunned in nature documentaries," said Fox spokesperson Chip Morris.
"In the process of making our Mongolian Emmy Award-winning series 'When Animals Maul Helpless Children' and its hugely successful follow up, 'When The French Attack,' we discovered that for years, documentarians have had to discard hours and hours worth of perfectly good footage of animals taking a dump." The show should debut in August. And, in related news, Showtime is planning a new series tentatively called "The Monkeys Humping Hour."

Highlights Purchased by Esquire, Releases First Annual 'Girls We Kinda Like' Issue
LOS ANGELES - Ailing children's magazine Highlights, previously known for it's entertaining puzzles and record breaking stays on doctor waiting area tables everywhere, has been bought out by Esquire's parent company, Swoon Communications. Swoon President Lew Morrison promised a "children's magazine for the new Millennium." His first act was to fire the current editorial staff, including founding editor Shamus D. Gebar, who hasn't left his office in twenty years and hasn't been seen since the eighties. New editor Mitch "Tunafish" Headley unveiled the first cover of the new Highlights, which features a picture of Peppermint Patty in a highly suggestive pose. Inside, covergirl Patty appears alongside other young girls in an article on "Girls We Kinda Like," but the article stresses that they only "like the girls, not like-like them."

 

 

WE ASKED, YOU ANSWERED

In a random poll of 500 people who own monkeys, we asked:
With John F. Kennedy jr. and Princess Diana gone, who should be People magazine stalk next?

And they answered:
76% Boutros Boutros-Ghali
12% Michael Richards (Seinfeld's "Kramer")
5% Mr. Bigglesworth
3% Richard Simmons
1% St. Francis of Assisi
1% (Unintelligible)
1%"Me"
0.0001% Bea Arthur

 

 

Patrick Keller is wookin pa nub in all the wrong places. This article is 1999 Patrick Keller, Gern Blansten Productions. You may redistribute this piece, provided the text is unaltered and it contains this notice. As always, if you know someone sick and twisted who might like this stuff, let me know. Blah blah blah e-mail me at blansten@iname.com blah blah blah

 

If you enjoyed this edition of GernWeb, you might also like the previous "And Now For The News..."

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