THE LATEST

NOT QUITE LATEST

THE ARCHIVE

GERN JOURNALS

FAQ U

THE MAILBAG

MIRTH IN YOUR MAILBOX!
Enter your e-mail for weekly Gern!

RANDOM HUMOR

THE ASSORTED LOONIES

OTHER WRITINGS

GERN INC.

CONTESTS

PANTS!

GERN'S JOURNEYS

LINKIE DINKIES

E-MAIL ME!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 


 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

  

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

THE NOT-SO LATEST December 31, 1999

'TWAS THE DAY AFTER NEW YEARS

-or-

WHY NOT 2K?

by Patrick Keller
With apologies to Clement Clarke Moore, for no apparent reason. (He is dead after all.)

 

'Twas the day after New Years, and all through the house,
Anything with a microchip was abandoned, even my trackball;
All the windows and doors had been boarded up without delay,
In hopes that rioters and looters would just go away;

The family was nestled all snug in the shelter,
While outside Armageddon surely did swelter;
Mamma, with her flak jacket fit snug on her chest,
Had just settled down for a nuclear winter's rest;

But then from upstairs there arose such a buzz,
I sprang from the bed to see what the hell it was;
Away to the steel-reinforced door I ran with hysteria,
Pulled hard on the handle and re-injured my hernia;

The moonlight shone through the cracks in the wood,
But things were too quiet, and that was not good;
When I peeked 'round the corner, I saw a thug dressed in black,
Shoving my belongings into a large canvas sack;

"Ooh, Sony! And, Rolex! JVC and iMac!
Look, Magnavox and Memorex! Zenith and Compac!
Into the bag you go!" he said with a grin,
And gleefully, joyfully tossed each product in;

The stump of a cig he held tight in his lips,
And the second-hand smoke encircled his head
like a mudwrestler's hips;
As he took all my stuff, I just had to laugh,
All that crap is worth nothing, it may as well be trash!

Even over his ruckus, he must have heard me chuckle,
He had me in his sights, and my knees began to buckle;
Fortunately for me, and unfortunately for him,
I had my brought my trusty home-defense flamethrower along on a whim;

"You're stealing my belongings, answer me why,
Or else I squeeze the trigger and your body will fry;
But I'm more curious, kind fellow, why my goods you appropriate,
When they are now no more than expensive paperweights?"

He looked at me funny, and his smile was restored:
"Have you been outside, or even looked outdoors?
Nothing has changed, the bombs did not descend,
It was all overblown, the world did not end;"

No, it must be false, this must be deception,
I did not spend six months and my life savings on a misconception;
All those months of preparation, all that canned food on the shelf,
I was so certain, I even told my boss to perform intercourse on himself;

"Hey, wait a minute, wait just a bit,
That doesn't explain why you're stealing my... stuff!"
Again he smiled, but then let out a small groan,
"Isn't it obvious? I'm from the bank, you defaulted on your loan!"

A flick of his tongue and a twist of his head,
Right then and there, I should have roasted him dead;
But I hesitated too long as I dwelled on his speech,
And before I knew it, he was out of my reach;

He ran to his car, and he did not linger,
He drove away fast, while giving me the finger.
But as he sped out of sight, I did hear him chime:
"HAVE A NICE Y2K, JERK-OFF, AND REMEMBER TO PAY ON TIME!"

 


Patrick Keller's contents may have shifted during shipping. This story and all the contents of this message are (c) 1999 Patrick Keller, Gern Blansten Productions. You may redistribute this piece, provided the text is unaltered and it contains this notice. As always, if you know someone sick and twisted who might like this stuff, let me know. Blah blah blah e-mail me at blansten@iname.com blah blah blah

Also featured in the not-so latest:

All contents of this web site -- even the periods -- are TM & © Patrick Keller, Gern Blansten Productions, so don't try to steal 'em. Any unlawful distribution, copying or non-educational use is highly frowned upon, and will be prosecuted when I get enough money to hire a lawyer. Violators will be spanked. Shoplifters will be persecuted. Prosecutors will be violated.