Star Jones is a Vampire

WENN celebrity "news" strikes again with this TMI report on everyone's favorite lawyer-slash-TV-hostess-turned-alien Star Jones, which I present here with commentary:

Beloved (Hello, Adjective Police? I'd like to report a gross mischaracterization) TV host Star Jones has undergone cosmetic surgery (No!) to have her breasts lifted (good lord, woman, what else is left?). The newlywed co-presenter of magazine show The View has spoken out about her procedure following reports her elective breast lift procedure went wrong and she suffered "critical complications." (I think that's code for "she tried to eat the doctor.") Sources close to Jones claim she was taken to Santa Monica, California's Saint John's Health Center, where she underwent a blood transfusion on Friday night. (Or... was the breast surgery just a convenient cover for Jones-Reynolds' insatiable appetite for human blood? Myself, I think the evidence is inconclusive.) After days of speculation, Jones' spokesperson confirmed the TV star had undergone the procedure, but refused to comment on the problems. (That's totally understandable: The last thing you want to do is get started on a discussion of Star Jones' problems... That could tie you up for days.) She says, "Star is recovering wonderfully." ("Ms. Jones should be up and undergoing more cosmetic surgery in no time.") Ironically, The View star's husband, Al Reynolds, also found himself in the hospital over the weekend - after suffering two lacerations to his head after slipping at the gym. (Reynolds denied that the accident occurred while he was in the shower with several other gym members, and that he was wearing a ball gag and a gimp outfit, as some reports have maintained.)

All Together Now: Ewwww!

"I don't think Ivanka would do that, although she does have a very nice figure. I've said if Ivanka weren't my daughter, perhaps I'd be dating her." -- Donald Trump, on the likelihood that his daughter will pose for Playboy magazine.

Has Mr. Whiskers Accepted Jesus?

Marian Byers' editorial in the Onion proves what we've all long suspected:

Kittens' hearts, at birth, are filled with what theologians call "original mischief." Mischief, if left to grow on its own, can sprout into evil. That's why you must fill their hearts with Jesus instead. If you wait, your cats might find seductive role models among the back-alley strays and rough felines from the wrong side of town. You could also end up with an unwanted pregnancy.

Scientists have long known of the feline predilection for evil and/or silly hats, as evidenced by the following photographic evidence:

Photographs, as you surely know, cannot be faked, so heed my words: These tricky little behatted bastards will tear your face off the first chance they get. As Wordsworth once (probably) said, "Beware not the evil that comes with horns and fire breath and horrible, nasty teeth that go in all sorts of awful directions and probably could use some serious orthodontia, but rather the evil that sneaks into your house while you're watching the telly and mews quietly for some milk and/or tuna fish. For that is the evil able to do the most damage." Of course, he was speaking (probably) metaphorically, so who knows what the hell he was on about.

Anyway, where was I? Oh, right: Cats. Where the hell do they get off?