Emergency Career Resuscitation

Just days after he announced plans to make a sixth (sixth!) Rocky movie -- because the fifth one left so many unanswered questions -- Stallone is now planning on bringing back his other iconic character:

Movie hardman Sylvester Stallone is making a fourth Rambo movie, seventeen years after the last film was made. [...] Rambo IV will see former Vietnam veteran John J. Rambo retired into a quiet life until he gets involved in the case of a missing child. The movie will be shot between Mexico and the United States. Filming is scheduled to start in the spring.

I have to admit, when I heard about Rocky VI (which is getting dangerously close to Weird Al territory), my first thought was, "Why not bring back Rambo instead?" (Actually, my first thought was, "Is he on crack?", then the Rambo thing.) And really, isn't he about two years too late with the Rambo thing. Back before the Iraq war, he probably could have made a killing with a gung-ho, "let's go kill some wacky Iraqis" thing, but now... well, he's a touch behind the zeitgeist. Although from the sound of it, this sequel isn't going to be directly war related. It sounds more like an abandoned Lethal Weapon sequel.

It hardly matters. Mark my words, both of these movies will tank, forcing Stallone to co-star with a computer-generated Estelle Getty in Stop! Or My Mom Will Shoot 2.

Alas, we would have been spared all this if only the producers had stuck with the first movie's original ending.

Tin Foil Hat Time, Kids

It's been an unusually active hurricane season. Global warming? Nope: terrorists. Or a rogue government manipulating the weather. Or our own government, out to get us...

This sequence of New Orleans' NEXRAD radar data (above) is in our opinion (and that of other experts who have now looked at it our behest ...) a proverbial "smoking gun" [s]trongly indicating now that Hurricane Katrina was, in fact, an artificially manipulated hurricane -- and ... specifically targeted for the City of New Orleans!

Dun dun dah!

But the real question is... who is artificially manipulating his punctuation? Hmm... better ask Fox News.

Man Distributes Crap, Goes to Jail

The MPAA is bringing the hammer down on people who distribute crappy movies:

Thirty-eight year old Chan Nai-ming, who was arrested in January by Hong Kong authorities acting in cooperation with the MPAA, was found guilty on Tuesday of copyright infringement. He had been accused of distributing Miss Congeniality, Daredevil and Red Planet on the Internet.

Can you imagine the shame that must come from going to jail for a Sandra Bullock movie?

"What are you in for?"

"I robbed a gas store and killed eight customers with a windshield wiper. You?"

"I uploaded Miss Congeniality to the Internet."

"..."

"Sigh... [Bends over] Make this quick."

Bored? Put Things On Your Cat!

This site gives me entirely too much joy.

But... Where's Bucky?

Oh my god! They found Captain America!

Smile, Tom!

So Tom Delay turned himself in to police, after a warrant was issued for his arrest on conspiracy and money laundering charges, and this was his mug shot. I am reminded of Jon Stewart's quote: "His eyes say 'innocent,' his mouth says 'not guilty,' his hair says, 'What do I have to do to put you in a LeSabre today?'"

That said, though, to me, this picture says "Skippy, the Long-Lost Cleaver Child."

He seems awfully happy, doesn't he? Ask yourself this: What does this man know that we don't? (Besides how much Jeff Gannon charges for a fudge rainbow, that is...)

Because Girls are Icky

Back in college, I noticed a phenomenon, which was the human tendency to want to one-up your companion's tales of woe and misfortune. Almost without exception, nothing good can come from this, and so I made a habit of pointing out that, when you play "Who's More Pathetic," nobody wins.

Well, I was wrong. We've found a winner, or loser, depending on how you look at it. Meet Davecat and his girlfriend Sidore:

Ask Davecat about Sidore -- pronounced She-doh-ray -- and he'll tell you she's everything that turns him on: beautiful, loyal, a great listener. Si-chan, as he affectionately calls her, is half British, half Japanese, which is nice because he's always had a thing for both British and Japanese culture. Even their clothing style and taste in music is simpatico -- they're both Goths.

Davecat admits that Si-chan's personality is not without flaws. He thinks she might be manic-depressive because she's "relentlessly perky at times" but also, given the amount of time she spends in bed, prone to narcolepsy and laziness. But generally, she doesn't disappoint. [...] In short, Si-chan is a girl who Davecat thinks he could never meet. "If I were to go to a bar and try some pick-up lines, the chances of coming home with someone like her are highly unlikely," he says.

Especially since you consider that women you meet in bars generally aren't custom-made sex mannequins. (Generally.) Davecat's girlfriend is a RealDoll, a 200-lb fake woman made mostly of silicone. These things will set you back about $6500 (+shipping and handling), which could probably buy you just about any sex act you can imagine from a real live woman, multiple times. Sure, the chances of catching something nasty are higher, but the real ones are easier to clean.

That said, Wikipedia helpfully points out that "as a cheaper option, a torso may be purchased separately." But wait, there's more! A male Realdoll, "Charlie", is also available, and (for those of you into the really kinky shit) shemale dolls can be custom ordered. And, as an added benefit, RealDolls now have the "Face-X"system, which allows owners to change their dolls' faces. Let's see a real woman do that.

Far be it from me to cast aspersions on people's peccadilloes, but let's just say you want to avoid having your offspring wind up having an extended relationship with a giant hunk of plastic, here's a tip for parents: Start with not naming him (or her) "Davecat."

Did You Know...?

Jesus Christ is... "a bald, six-foot-tall, two hundred-forty-pound Latino with a thick silver hoop earring in his left earlobe and a handful of tattoos adorning his body. He [...] uses foul language, and is the first to admit he is 'not the poster boy for Christianity by any stretch of the imagination.'"

Frankly, neither did I.