From today's IMDB news

Affleck Takes Massive Pay Cut

Hollywood star Ben Affleck has waived his usual multi-million dollar fee to play actor George Reeves [...] in Truth, Justice And The American Way. [...] Affleck is so convinced the fact-based drama is the perfect project for him at this juncture of his life, he's taken a massive pay cut -- and will only earn $2.8 million.

"Only" $2.8 million?

Sheesh. Some pay cut.

Useless Factoid of the Day:

There's a story out there that claims a minor error in the animation of [Bambi] that occurs when a baby raccoon disappears and then reappears after a short moment inspired Gene Roddenberry to invent the transporters used in Star Trek.

Man, I wish I had a more original name.

That's right, kiddies, the new Addicted to Bad is live. This week, George Lucas goes to Japan, and Mel Gibson goes to suck.

This column was inspired by two things: the "Super Karate Monkey Death Car" episode of NewsRadio and the multi-Babelfish translator. The former is probably my favorite episode of that show, where Jimmy James gives a reading of his poorly (re-)translated biography, Jimmy James: Macho Business Donkey Wrestler:

"The original title of this book was Jimmy James, Capitalist Lion Tamer, but I see now that it's... Jimmy James, Macho Business Donkey Wrestler. I had the book translated in to Japanese then back in again into English. "Macho Business Donkey Wrestler"... It's got kind of a ring to it, don't it? Anyway, I wanted to read from chapter three... which is the story of my first rise to financial prominence... 'I had a small house of brokerage on Wall Street... many days no business come to my hut... my hut... but Jimmy has fear? A thousand times no! I never doubted myself for a minute, for I knew that my monkey-strong bowels were girded with strength like the loins of a dragon ribboned with fat and the opulence of buffalo... dung. Glorious sunset of my heart was fading. Soon the super karate monkey death car would park in my space. But Jimmy has fancy plans... and pants to match. The monkey clown horrible karate round and yummy like cute small baby chick would beat the donkey."

As for the multi-translator, it's a web tool that perverts the popular Babelfish translator by translating and re-translating something until the result just barely resembles the input.

One regular reader pointed out that the column might have been better if only the reporter was speaking broken Engrish. This is a fair point, and one I might steal to use in later columns. But I have been working a full-time job, and working on the magazine in every other free moment, so the column just can't be as much a priority at the moment. Fortunately, the magazine should wrap up in a few days, so things should go back to somewhat normal soon.

"...some White House staff members believed that such a positive take on the Iraqi reconstruction would undermine the White House's credibility," the Post reports.

Now there's a phrase you don't hear much...

The End of Civilization as We Know It: Now on DVD!

New Eels comin! Sounds like a good one, too:

Of course, we're talking about an artist who, when asked to give a quote for the dust jacket to Kurt Cobain's posthumously published diaries submitted this quote: "Please don't do this to me after I kill myself."

Perusing a giant map on a wall in my office, I came across, I kid you not, Idiotville, Oregon. Who picks these names?

Well, shit.

I love the Internets.

OH. MY. GOD.

Quote of the Day: Lara Mahaney of the Parents Television Council says, "If Janet Jackson walked into a high school and exposed a nipple, she'd be arrested," Mahaney told The New York Post. "Why should that be permissible on broadcast television?"

So apparently nothing on television should be aimed at anyone older than high school age.

Actually, that explains a lot of what is on Fox...

New Addicted to Bad is up. This time, we venture back in time to the idyllic 40s, when men were real men, and so were the women. Children, too. What can I say? It was a manly time.

So this is what smoking crack is like. Huh... I always suspected, but now I know.

What will they think of next?

...scientists are studying ways to make breast augmentations from stem cells.

Now that is what I call science! Just watch for the Bush administration to do an abrupt 180 on stem cell policy any day now...

The story continues:

Researchers at the University of Illinois at Chicago will publish a study in the April issue of Tissue Engineering showing that stem-cell tissue implants in mice kept their shape longer than traditional implants.

Am I the only one imagining mice with gigantic breasts, hanging out in a grotto with James Caan?

Yeah, probably.

Last fall, hackers apparently used stolen identities to create what appeared to be legitimate businesses seeking ChoicePoint accounts, said Chuck Jones, a spokesman for the Georgia-based company. They opened about 50 accounts.

I know it's a serious story and all, but it's a little hard taking it seriously when the guy shares a name with the creator of Pepe le Pew...

Oooooh. Looks good. Better than the old BBC show anyway.

I don't care what anybody says: Cathy still sucks.

From the Sites I Find By Typing Random URLS Dept.: http://www.douchebagofliberty.com/

Excuse me while I drool... Wish You Were Here in surround sound. Sure, Dark Side is good, but "WYWH" is spectacular, the band's crowning achievement, in my eyes. It's one album I never get sick of, particularly "Shine On You Crazy Diamond." I recently acquired a DTS-encoded (from the Quad album version, I believe), mock-surround version of the album, and it's really quite impressive (there is one moment in the first half of "Shine On" where some new guitar literally made me jump), but a proper digital remix promises to be even more amazing.

Can't wait.

I am proud to say that I have never dressed up as any of the following: a Jedi, a "Sith," a space-faring scoundrel, an alien, a superhero with a poorly fitting costume*, or a leather fetishist. I wish I could say the same for these people.

* I did once dress up as Superman using Underoos, but I was 4.

Ego Boost of the Day: For those who don't know it - Patrick Keller is one HELL of a comedy writer, and has a great sense for editing comedy stuff. Just... damn. He's good.

So blogs one of my writers at Too Much Coffee Man. Aww, shucks.

Quote of the Day: The Postal Service are just NIN in a better mood.

I knew a guy in a work environment back in the day who insisted that the Earth was no more than 10,000 years old, and that dinosaur fossils were placed their to test our faith.

Man, I love that old chestnut. I had a friend back in high school, a very religious friend, whom I respected very much... at least until he spouted that nugget. So, let me get this straight: God, who loves me very much and wants me to love him back, is just fucking with my head?

Cripes. Some people...

Now that's a headline. But the story... eek!

A British woman was sentenced to two and a half years in jail Thursday for ripping off her ex-lover's testicle with her bare hands during a drunken brawl after he refused her sex.

Amanda Monti, 24, flew into a rage in May last year after Geoffrey Jones, 37, who had ended their long-term relationship, rejected her advances.

She grabbed him by the genitals, tearing off his left testicle, then hid it in her mouth before a friend of Jones handed it back to him saying "that's yours."

Good Lord. Just when you think the world is too weird...

It's about time...

Seasons one and two of Moonlighting, the award-winning series that literally launched Bruce Willis' career come to DVD this spring. In a Lions Gate Home Entertainment press release, the distributor announced that it had acquired the home video distribution rights to the 1980's dramedy

Been waiting for that one since forever. I can't believe it's not in reruns somewhere. Too bad the show's incredibly talented creator has gone on to goofy psychic crime dramas.

Man, everyone has a blog these days...

I give them three years. Four tops.

The perils of working in the Hollywood Apple store: "I finally caved in, only because I could see a vein pulsating in his forehead and I didn't want to be the one responsible for causing the blind dude from Star Trek to have a stroke."

New column's up. This week, a look at the rewards of Hollywood success: your very own Dream Project!

Also, Orson Welles loves ham.

I love Hollywood:

Deputy City Attorney Robert Cha has told news show Celebrity Justice that officials recovered what appears to be a prosthetic penis attached to a pair of Sizemore's underwear with a plastic container filled with clean urine.

There must be a logical explantion for that, right? Maybe it was a party trick.

Slow news day digest: McCartney Boring, Imaginary Golf Club for Sale.

Also, some hot chick loses a contest. Boo hoo.

Someone tell me how the man responsible for Taxi was selected to direct The Fantastic Four movie?

I'm guessing it involves blow jobs.

Quote of the Day: "I hope Fox puts in its place, like, you know, America’s Cutest Retards. What’s left for them to do? We got midgets trying to pull an elephant. What’s left? We’ve got orphans trying to figure out who their dads are... come on. Let’s go with retards. OK? Let’s do it." -- David Cross, on Jimmy Kimmel Live.

By the way, let it be said that if Fox cancels Arrested Development, I will burn their offices to the ground.

I don't know how (it's not like you can predict these things), but Wilmer Valderrama has become the Scott Baio of the 21st Century.

File this under trainwreck waiting to happen:

The Oscar telecast's producer Gil Cates, said Monday that he will be departing from the traditional method of announcing winners, saying that in some instances, nominees will all be brought together on stage before a winner is announced, and that in other cases the presenter will go out into the audience and visit with each of the nominees briefly before announcing the winner.

This oughta test those acting skills, eh?

Dammit, why does everyone want me to write for free?

I'm just too nice.

Quote of the Day:

"The audience is our collaborator. We should be encouraging their collaboration, not treating them like thieves." -- Jeff Tweedy of Wilco.

Salon's gossip sheet (The Fix) says that Kristin (Sex and the City) Davis has signed on to co-star in an ABC TV show called Soccer Moms, about two suburban housewives who team up as private investigators. Which reminds me of the old "They're Detectives!" game, where you take two different occupations and add "they're detectives!" to the end.

"He's a practical priest, she's a wacky Wiccan! They're detectives!" etc.

I'm pretty sure this will suck. That said, if they can get Davis into a bikini once an episode, I'll watch.

When will the bad comic adaptations stop? Not soon, from the looks of it:

The delightfully jiggly Eva Mendes will star opposite Nicholas Cage in Columbia’s Marvel comic adaptation of Ghost Rider. Daredevil’s Mark Steven Johnson is directing.

You know, folks, I'm getting a little tired of seeing bits of my childhood handed out to just about any old hack who has directed a Bud Light commercial. Could you at least take some care to hire, I don't know, people with actual directing credentials before you green light these things?

End of nerd rant. (Sorry.)

For sale on eBay: Nothing!

Act now before nothing's gone! Don't miss out... on nothing.

Rumor has it that President Bush is a big fan of Tom Wolfe's new novel, I Am Charlotte Simmons, the tale of drunken debauchery and sexual escapades on a college campus. Hmmm... Wonder why he likes that one?

From the "Yeah, But They Still Stink" Dept.: Cows only fart half as much as we thought.

The US Government: Always on the Forefront of Cow Flatulence Science.

Casino Royale with Cheese?

Oh great...

[From IMDB News]Casino Royale will be the next James Bond movie, but it will not be directed by Quentin Tarantino, nor will it star Pierce Brosnan. [...] published reports said today (Friday) that Martin Campbell, who directed 1995's GoldenEye starring Brosnan, had been chosen to direct the new Bond movie. Today's Los Angeles Time reported that the screenplay will be written by Neal Purvis and Robert Wade, who wrote the screenplays for the last two Bond movies.

The Bond series has become particularly dreadful of late, and I know a lot of movie nerds had pinned their hopes for the series on the possibility of Tarantino taking over, which I admit is an interesting prospect, but not one that I ever imagined coming to pass. The series is in dire need of a revamp, although audiences could seem to care less that the films have become laughably formulaic, amateurishly written, and devoid of drama. Sadly, this announcement seems to indicate that the trend will continue for at least the near future, if not longer.

It's hard to say why I care, except that the potential for great films are there. Then again, when you remove any potential for character development by making it impossible for the lead to be changed in any way at the end of the film, then the films are essentially an exercise in maintaining the status quo. (The last time I can recall any substantial effect on Bond was when they killed his wife in On Her Majesty's Secret Service.)

But worrying about drama in James Bond is, I suppose, like griping about the physics in Spider-Man. It's a bit silly. Still, at least the Spider-Man movies are fun. That's more than I can say for Bond...

Wow. It's a little disheartening when you discover that one of your favorite comedians is responsible for the script of one of the worst-reviewed movies of last year, the new Vin Diesel comedy, and the new Lindsay Lohan/Herbie movie.

That said, his new movie is called Balls of Fury.

Paranoia check: Why does the automatic air freshener in the employee restroom always seem to go off right when I walk in?

New column is up. This week: Gene Shalit, Nazi Smasher!

Shut up. I was up late.

Too... many... captions. Can't... choose!

• "Whatchoo talkin' 'bout, Bush?"
  
• "Don't... make... any... sudden... moves."
  
• "You want to do what with my Social Security?"
  
• "Did she just say 'Whizzite Hizzy'?"
  

And so on.

Here's an odd one: Apparently Jane Russell used to be married to the original lead singer of Pink Floyd.

Okay, not really. But what a coincidence, eh?

Tonight's Comedy Master Class: Spit-Take in Slow-Mo, with our guest star, Lindsay Lohan.

Now It Can Be Told: The REAL reason that girl from the first Back to the Future movie ditched: Lousy taste in anecdotes. Also, cancer!

There are a disturbing number of people who still have the last name Hitler.

I have a serious compulsion to call some answering machines right now...

I wish I could take credit for this, but I can't:

Q: How many Bush Administration officials does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A: None. There is nothing wrong with the light bulb; its conditions are improving every day. Any reports of its lack of incandescence are a delusional spin from the liberal media. That light bulb has served honorably, and anything you say undermines the lighting effect. Why do you hate freedom?

Spongebob, why hast thou forsaken me?

Okay, this is the funniest thing I've read in The Onion in a while.

It's a little bit disgusting how easy it is to knock me for a loop. Yesterday, for most of the day, I was doing fine. Then I got a one-two punch, straight to the ego, and now I'm miserable. Nothing major, mind you, just hobbling. I got dropped by one freelance employer, apparently justifiably, although I can't seem to get a straight answer on exactly why. The other blow involved my column, and wasn't wholly unanticipated. Still stung, nonetheless.

So I've been moping all day, and I know it. And yet I can't seem to get my momentum back. Maybe it's because I haven't wanted to get it back, but I do need to be at least headed in the right direction. I have a lot of things coming up -- the magazine, the column, articles, and pitches -- with the added complication of a demanding full-time job. Fortunately, the job is in a bit of a lull (after a two-week period of intense overwork), so I can let that lag a bit, but I have a feeling that this month will be a punishing one, if only because of the magazine.

Ah well. Life goes on.