Text of Charlton Heston's acceptance speech for receiving the Charlton Heston Award from the American Film Institute:

Ladies and gentlemen, we live in difficult times. Times filled with waffles and tasty, tasty syrup, made from the blood of young Christian children. Mr. President, I implore you: Where is my underwear drawer? In the potato? In the potato!

How many hookers must a man launch into space before you call him a man? I once saw Jack Lemmon and Larry King in the gym shower, and it sold me a house. [unintelligible] bath soaps from the future. What? Never! Something something, all my troubles seemed so... flammable!

And so on for about four hours, before stripping nude and mooning Martin Scorsese.