I've shied away from the longer entries lately because, well, things have been a little bit raw for me, and I'm more guarded than usual. To sum up: Met an amazing girl -- the one I'd written about seeing on Match and instantly knowing she was my type, and apparently "my type" means she's fated to stomp on my heart eventually.
I suppose, at least it's better sooner than later, as the damage is minimized, but the consequernces are still tough. Self-confidence is wounded, hard questions abound, and overall I just feel less enthusiastic and motivated. But life goes on.
Naturally, she wants to be friends. My first instinct is to be the nice guy, which of course would only lead to more trouble. I could use some more friends in this town, I suppose, but I know my tendency to get hung up on one unattainable girl and ignore all the other attainable candidates in the area. It's happened before, and I'm determined not to let it happen again. But even though I know it's the right move, I still feel conflicted. I know I could turn her around, I find myself thinking in the deep recesses of my brain, but I know that's moronic to believe.
I had a dream this morning that I was living with a beautiful woman, just as roommates, and the sexual tension was palpable, at least for me. The dream ended with the two of us caving in to temptation, culminating in a fierce necking session. The most powerful memory was her use of a kissing technique that my last girlfriend used to like to do, which is to "hook" my two front teeth with her tongue as we pulled away. I woke up feeling incredibly alone. Of course, Freud said that dreams were really subconscious expressions of wish-fulfillment, and I suppose that if that's true that this must relate to my foolish belief that I could somehow turn this girl around.
As you may have picked up on, my subconscious hates me.
She told me that she broke up with me because I wasn't tall enough. This may be true, but I'm inclined to believe, perhaps for reasons of deficient self-esteem, that this is simply a polite way of saying she wasn't attracted enough to me, my height being one of those reasons. This is, believe me, quite an odd sensation. I've been rejected for other reasons, but height was never one of them. My entire life, I've been taller than most, and height was never really a concern, save when I was self-conscious about being significantly taller than my peers, or in concert/movie settings. This was indeed the first time I've dated a woman taller than me. It wasn't really an issue for me, but I could tell that she was aware of it. Part of me wants to be angry with her for being so superficial, for cliinging to outdated concepts of masculinity and femininity, but I can't really bring myself to condemn her for it (that nice guy thing again?), possibly because I subs to a lot of those same ideas myself, whether I want to or not.
So it's back to the drawing board, as if I don't have enough on my mind. The kicker of it all was that I was really hoping to finally move on in my life, but circumstances have once again conspired against me. The same issues that plagued me before plague me still. Not much I can do but try again, I guess.
I suppose, at least it's better sooner than later, as the damage is minimized, but the consequernces are still tough. Self-confidence is wounded, hard questions abound, and overall I just feel less enthusiastic and motivated. But life goes on.
Naturally, she wants to be friends. My first instinct is to be the nice guy, which of course would only lead to more trouble. I could use some more friends in this town, I suppose, but I know my tendency to get hung up on one unattainable girl and ignore all the other attainable candidates in the area. It's happened before, and I'm determined not to let it happen again. But even though I know it's the right move, I still feel conflicted. I know I could turn her around, I find myself thinking in the deep recesses of my brain, but I know that's moronic to believe.
I had a dream this morning that I was living with a beautiful woman, just as roommates, and the sexual tension was palpable, at least for me. The dream ended with the two of us caving in to temptation, culminating in a fierce necking session. The most powerful memory was her use of a kissing technique that my last girlfriend used to like to do, which is to "hook" my two front teeth with her tongue as we pulled away. I woke up feeling incredibly alone. Of course, Freud said that dreams were really subconscious expressions of wish-fulfillment, and I suppose that if that's true that this must relate to my foolish belief that I could somehow turn this girl around.
As you may have picked up on, my subconscious hates me.
She told me that she broke up with me because I wasn't tall enough. This may be true, but I'm inclined to believe, perhaps for reasons of deficient self-esteem, that this is simply a polite way of saying she wasn't attracted enough to me, my height being one of those reasons. This is, believe me, quite an odd sensation. I've been rejected for other reasons, but height was never one of them. My entire life, I've been taller than most, and height was never really a concern, save when I was self-conscious about being significantly taller than my peers, or in concert/movie settings. This was indeed the first time I've dated a woman taller than me. It wasn't really an issue for me, but I could tell that she was aware of it. Part of me wants to be angry with her for being so superficial, for cliinging to outdated concepts of masculinity and femininity, but I can't really bring myself to condemn her for it (that nice guy thing again?), possibly because I subs to a lot of those same ideas myself, whether I want to or not.
So it's back to the drawing board, as if I don't have enough on my mind. The kicker of it all was that I was really hoping to finally move on in my life, but circumstances have once again conspired against me. The same issues that plagued me before plague me still. Not much I can do but try again, I guess.
0 Comments:
Post a Comment
<< Home