I think I've pretty much hit the wall in my Photoshop and Illustrator classes. In Photoshop class yesterday, I found myself nursing the all-too-familiar feeling of Killing Time Until the Instructor Shuts Up. I was practically having flashbacks to high school trig, and now I am expected to turn in a final project next week when I barely had the chance to assimilate the instruction of the past four weeks. The biggest problem with these classes is my inability to use the software outside of the classroom. I ain't got the dough to buy them, and even if I did, my computer would likely crap out trying to run them. The key to assimilating learning, for me anyway, is using it regularly enough that it becomes second nature. I learned Quark Xpress at my newspaper editing job because, well, I had to. I knew nothing of the program before working there, but I was damn near an expert when I left that position.

The other problem is that I really don't have much in the way of artistic talent. There's a certain amount that can be taught, I suppose, but I think too much is just instinct. Perhaps a better instructor could guide me, but the ones I've got don't seem to be capable of that. And I'm fairly certain I'm not the only one that's struggling. I can tell from the occasional groan or blank face that some of my fellow students have.

So yesterday, during a class where (surprisingly) I already knew most of the material anyway, when my friend called me to tell me he'd locked himself out of his house and needed me to bring the spare key, I jumped at the chance to escape. I gave the teacher a bullshit excuse -- the spare key business was true, but I fibbed and said my friend lived far enough away that I couldn't get back in time -- and cut out. That my friend had managed to climb in a window in the meantime hardly mattered.

I guess the real issue is why I feel so compelled to attend when I've spent my money and I'm wasting my time in there. Perhaps those are exactly the reasons, though, but I suspect that's only part of it. There is some side of me that feels responsible to these instructors, I think, as though I'd be directly insulting them by not attending or participating. I worry that I'll hurt their feelings or let them down if I don't put up the best front that I can that I'm learning everything they put out there, when in fact, it probably does a much bigger disservice to them by faking it. Though they may not even care what I do, so long as I pay the tuition fee.

The classes will be over in another week anyway, so I suppose it's not entirely worth worrying about. I'll make some half-hearted attempt to do a final project and that will be that. My main concern, though, is whether I'll be able to actually use the software now that I have started claiming to potential employers that I can. I used to fret that perhaps I should have saved my money and just bought a book on the programs instead of taking these classes, but I justified it under the pretense that it would be good to socialize with some new people. Of course, now having seen exactly how many social activities have sprun from them (0), I suppose I should have gone with the book. But then, hindsight is 20/20, and I can't really worry about it anymore: I have to get to class.