Sure, that People-Who've-Had-Sex-With-Steve Brady Bunch thing ran a tad slow, but it had a nice payoff. God help me, I'm not gay, but if for some unknown reason Steve wanted to sleep with me, I'd have a hell of a time saying no. The man's a god.
(Though, c'mon Steve. I must've heard that "if you want a transcription, just write down everything we say" joke a dozen times before.)
And now, on a decidedly more heterosexual bent, Jennifer Connelly's lips should be classified as a hypnotism agent. I would watch nothing else but them for as long as they'd let me.
These have to be the worst, least funny award intros ever. Cameron Diaz sounded bored. Ms. Connelly probably did too, but I was too mesmerized by her lips. I know they're trying to be somber, but c'mon... If these were any dryer, the teleprompter would crumble.
The animated film award first? Oookay. I thought they gave out the one of the supporting actor things first. Maybe they're trying to placate the people upset over the digitally animated actor from Lord of the Rings snub. Nice choice of Swept Away, though. Or so I'm told. (Last animated movie I saw was Monsters Inc., and the last one before that, it was probably the better part of a decade ago.)
I really hate it when they turn up the music on the winners. Very tacky. Especially when there's two or more people accepting awards. Shouldn't they get twice the time? They never do that to the big stars.
And here we have Catherine Zeta Jones, 8 & 1/2 months pregnant, and tanner than George Hamilton. I hope you can't transmit skin cancer to a fetus.
What the hell is this? Flashback to ten minutes ago? We just saw Chris Cooper win, guys. Do they think we all have the same memory disease as that guy from Memento?
I like how JC Penney's song proudly states "I'm just your average Jane, I'm super but not a model" over shots of women who are not one but definitely the other.
Apparently this is the year to use Simon & Garfunkel songs in commercials.
ABC News breaks in with The Downer Report.
Mickey Mouse on stage and they cut to Scorsese, who somehow looks ashamed.
Ladies and gentlemen, from the hit movie Daredevil, Jennifer Garner's breasts!
Where does one go to see theatrical shorts these days? I guess you have to be an Academy member...
Adrien Brody brought Anne Bancroft as his date?
Ladies and gentlemen, Quentin Tarantino's ex-girlfriend! Remember, Mira: This is live. No do-overs.
Chicago wins again. No one is surprised.
Brendan Fraser. Allegedly bald as a baby's taint. Nice toup, though, if that's true.
I dunno. Those Lord of the Rings guys look pretty fake to me. The computer generated ones, I mean. Haven't seen the movie, so I can't comment on Sean Astin. Still, can't be as bad as the flesh-and-blood actors in Attack of the Clones, though.
ABC's new show with the guy from City Slickers looks awful. I'm starting to (grudgingly) see why people find reality TV so appealing. (Not that I would ever watch any, but still...)
Speaking of hairlessness, here's Paul Simon. I always wondered how Paul went from losing his hair in the 70s to having a full head in the 80s and then losing it again in the 90s. I can probably guess, but I prefer the mystery.
I think whoever gave Salma the unibrow in Frida should win the Oscar for makeup. So I guess her parents then.
This is the first time Sean Connery's ever seemed old to me.
Connery introducing footage of (among other things) a woman getting slapped. How ironic. In an Alanis kind of way, of course.
Another flashback to ten seconds ago. The Oscars for people with ADD.
Ladies and gentlemen, the Yoko Ono of the Black Crowes!
Zellweger, the woman too shy to sing the song from her movie, apparently isn't too shy to present an award. Maybe now would be a good time to start rumors that that's not really her singing voice in the movie...
The music guy from Salma Hayek's Frida: "To be around all these talented women..." Heh. "Talent" used to be code amongst my college roommates for "busty." Pretty obvious code, I know, but still... Here it seems apropos.
I could go a lifetime without ever having to hear Ethel Merman again. Except in Airplane, of course.
And Miss Piggy makes her second Oscar appearance tonight. They should just give in and let her host.
Nothing like dog murder to get a laugh.
Two hours down, three to go...
The new Bachelor. Oh joy.
Ed Norton is officially the luckiest man alive.
As a double nominee, apparently Julianne Moore can take her time getting to the podium. Why do they design those stages so long?
My prediction: This is not going to be Spider-Man's big night. I know I'm going out on a limb there.
We all know we're going to be here for hours. Is it really too much to cut down on self-congratulatory montages and give the sound guys a few extra seconds?
Apparently so.
That guy from Y Tu Mama Tambien just gave the most heartfelt introduction of the evening. He must be a great actor. I give him a year before he's blowing up things in a big, dumb American action film.
"MasterCard: Accepted everywhere dogs are." What, like other dogs' asses?
I knew I'd get sick of that Sharon Stone AOL commercial quick. It's only been two times and I'm officially tired of it. Only that stupid jeans commercial with the buffalo comes close to being as idiotic.
And now back to the Downer Report...
(In all seriousness, God bless the troops.)
Ever notice how, in every appearance after Boys Don't Cry was released, Hilary Swank has gone out of her way to emphasize her bust? Not that that's hard, or I'm complaining.
Speaking of downers, we bring you best picture nominee The Hours, underwritten by the makers of Prozac.
Sigh... Diane Lane. I broke down and bought a used copy of Unfaithful today. I couldn't help myself. The woman has a spell on me.
Wow. Michael Moore won. There was quite a backlash predicted, but it's nice to see him pull it off. Classy move bringing the fellow documentary nominees on stage.
Spoke too soon about the classy bit.
Who was booing? The cameras certainly didn't show it. Instead they give us a stone-faced Lou Gossett. Huh?
Speaking of booing, Jack Valenti... I'm tempted to download a movie just to spite him. And I have a dialup connection.
Finally, Julia Roberts gives us a funny award intro speech. And Kathy Bates follows it up with another good one. Did they just run out and hire Bruce Vilanch in a panic?
Conrad L. Hall wins. Good. The man was brilliant, and it's a tragedy he's gone. Still, maybe now I can finally keep straight Conrad L. and Conrad W.
Huh. Never seen the engraved base of an Oscar before.
Someone should get a court injuction to stop Led Zeppelin from selling any more songs for commercials. And Celine too, while they're at it.
8 Simple Rules for Dating My Daughter just stole a plot from a Saturday Night Live sketch about a mother and daughter appearing in Girls Gone Wild.
Ladies and gentleman, the guy who poked Britney! (No, not Fred Durst.)
Did Bono just shout "Halle Halle" a few times in the middle of his song?
Welcome the poster child for Oscar-Killing-Your-Career, Geena Davis!
Chicago wins again; again, no one surprised.
Ladies and gentlemen, the star of Children of Dune!
Ah! Time for the tearjerker montage!
I always find myself wondering how the kids of the people who don't get much applause in these memorial montages feel.
Hey! Charles Guggenheim! Believe it or not, I met him. Before he died, of course. He came to my film class once in college. My fellow students were underwhelmed, though. "Documentaries? Whupity shit."
I'm not a butt guy (what do you expect? I'm white), so the appeal of Shakira is lost on me.
You know, I bet the montage of People-You-Thought-Were-Dead would be quite a crowd pleaser.
Who's Nicholas Cage's date? Supposedly he wanted to bring a girl who was something like 15 years his junior, possibly as a show of solidarity with Polanski. The camera didn't show us.
Brody wins. Probably because no one from Chicago was nominated.
I take that Ed Norton thing back: Adrien Brody is now the luckiest man alive. Too bad we didn't get a reaction shot from Halle's husband.
Just the mention of Polanski gets applause. Is this foreshadowing?
Brody gets the Julia Roberts Award for Shutting Up the Band.
And the classiest peace message award. Michael Moore take note.
That low-angle shot of Dustin Hoffman makes him look like a Hobbit.
I'm going to go out on a limb here and bet that Streisand isn't going to give an award to Eminem.
Wow, was I wrong.
Well, not entirely wrong. She didn't actually give him the award...
Meryl has always bugged me. Maybe it's the fact that, like Nicholson or DeNiro, she so often (in my opinion) veers off into overacting. Maybe it's the Celine-Dion-greatest-seengar-in-thay-woorld air she gives off. Or maybe it's just me.
Ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Peter O'Keep-Your-Honorary-Oscar-Okay-I've-Changed-My-Mind-Toole.
I wish I had that accent.
Nothing warms my heart more than seeing a cinematic classic pillaged for a Sierra Mist commercial.
Ah, Denzel. Another actor whose off-screen persona tends to outshine his on-screen acting. And he's not above making bad jokes. Perhaps he's preparing for his own version of Boat Trip.
The ex-Mrs. Tom Cruise wins an Oscar. Too late, Tom, you can't claim it in the divorce.
Steve seems more scripted and slightly stiffer than usual. Reports have him (understandably) nervous at hosting. His failure to pull-off a quick off-the-cuff retort to the interruption of his monologue was disappointing.
Do we really need a montage of Academy Presidents? What's next? A tribute to guys who run the teleprompters?
Ladies and gentlemen, Barbara Bush! Oh, sorry... Olivia de Havilland.
Didn't they do the bleachers-full-of-surviving-Oscar-winners last year?
Speaking of People-You-Thought-Were-Dead: Ernest Borgnine.
The guy from West Side Story looks like a wax statue.
So not only do these actors get their awards during their year, but they get to come back every subsequent year for accolades and applause? No wonder these people live four years longer than the losers...
Sir Ben Kingsley? They knighted Don Logan? When did that happen?
Uh oh. Karl Malden's making Kirk Douglas look healthy...
Huh. Uncle Ben won an Oscar.
Jon Voight was on hand, looking grizzled, but daughter Angelina Jolie is nowhere in sight. Maybe she's too busy being creepy.
Apparently some of Woody Allen's proclivities rubbed off on Tiffani Thiessen, judging by that McDonald's commercial.
I might have to watch Lost at Home just for the rack on the mom.
Just give Chicago the Oscar already.
I hope the made-up guy wins the screenplay Oscar.
Guess not. Heck of a night for the Pianist. Proving once again that Hollywood loves the Holocaust like Germans love Hasselhoff.
Pedro Almodovar has Wolverine hair.
You know, Al Bundy just doesn't cut it as Joe Friday for me.
"Star of blockbusters like the Indiana Jones trilogy and The Fugitive..." I wonder if Harrison Ford asked them not to mention Star Wars.
Harrison looks baked.
Polanski wins, proving that Hollywood not only loves the Holocaust, but also statuatory rapists. Maybe they could make a movie next year about both and win all the Oscars.
Even in his current state, Kirk Douglas could still kick your ass.
Best Picture already? I almost hate to say it, but that was quick...
And Chicago wins, and a crowd full of actors tries to act shocked, as per the script. And with that, Harvey Weinstein officially becomes King of the World, purchasing the title from a down-and-out James Cameron for an outrageous sum of money; Harvey somehow reminds me of Tony Soprano of the film world: "Nice movie industry you got here. Be a real shame if anything... happened to it."
Cut to Chad Lowe, not weeping like an infant this time. I think it's safe to say that's the only time he'll ever be associated with a Best Picture.
Lowe was the one who yelled out the reminder for the producer to thank his wife. An Oscar heckler. What a concept.
What, no re-run of Chicago winning before the credits? How will we remember who won?
All in all, the least memorable ceremony in years, I'd say. Except for Jennifer's lips, that is.
Aaaaand... scene!
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